Jayden Glenn Ryan's story starts on Friday, July 13th, 2007, the day we found out we were expecting our first child. I, at the age of 16, was overly excited because finally my life had meaning again...I had just lost my best friend, care taker, guider, also known as my mom due to cancer three months before. As for Chance, at the age of 17, had just lost his brother to suicide not even a month prior.
Months passing, pregnancy going amazing (including being able to control the morning sickness), November came and we were elated to find out we were having a boy! Our dreams were big for him as we wondered whether he would be a mommas boy, a daddy's boy...would he play football, baseball, basketball. Would he ride four-wheelers or like fishing. Would he follow every single step daddy took?
Our dreams were finally coming true when we were admitted to the hospital on March 14th, 2008 to be induced. After having my water broke, being in excruciating pain, getting a demerol shot (which by the way, I now tell the doctors to NEVER give me! I literally felt like I was going to die...I couldn't breathe, hear, see, or anything. I guess some would explain it as feeling high, but I, for one, do NOT like that feeling), only being at 4cm, I opted to get the epidural. After 12 hours of active labor, at 5:10pm I delivered our bouncy, screaming, baby boy. Weighing in at 7 pounds 1/4 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long, he was perfect and healthy. As for me, I wasn't doing well. Come to find out (this is something I did not know until I had my daughter) I am anemic and after every birth I have to have a shot to help stop the bleeding or else Ill bleed to death...side effects to the shot; I stayed sick 24 hours afterwards and wasn't even able to hold or see my baby. Days passed, we finally went home and then, yep you guessed it...postpartum depression sit in. His first night home was amazing! He got up twice during the night and we slept in til 9am the next morning! Feeling rested I wasn't prepared for the all nighter he had planned the next night. From 2am-7am I tried everything to get him to sleep...feeding him, changing him, rocking him, sleeping with him...NOTHING worked. Finally I broke and wondered why I brought this child into the world when I couldn't take care of him. Of course this was just a phase that I eventually got over and adjusted.
More days passed and I went back to doing my school work online to finish high school, Chance went back to work, and being parents seemed to be settling well with us. In April, we moved into our own apartment and I got a job. In May, I walked the line with my class. In June, I started cosmetology school. Seems pretty hectic, huh? I was trying to be that mom that only wants the best for her child's future and trying to beat the statistics that teen moms don't succeed. Of course none of this would of been possible had we not had the support of Chances mother, Linda. Best mamaw award would definitely go to this woman! Remember the postpartum depression? Yep, she was our savior! She would watch him for us on the nights that I had school the next morning and Chance had work. She was making sure that we succeeded in all that we wanted!
Weeks passed, and on July 1st, 2008 we went to Linda's to spend time with Jayden before we left him for the night. We sit out on the porch and watched the neighbors shoot off fireworks, laughing and talking as any happy, healthy family would do. It was time to leave and for some reason I was having a hard time leaving. We got in the car and immediately tears streamed down my face. Chance asked me what was wrong and all I could respond is I don't know? Maybe it was that I felt Jayden thought more of Linda as his mom than me, but we knew that wasn't true...Jayden knew momma when I walked in the room. We continue on our way home and I just couldn't stop the tears. We get home, I cried my self to sleep, then...beep beep beep...5:30am my alarm goes off. I wake up and my first thought was...check your phone. I did so then told myself, see you cried for nothing last night, everything's just fine...you didn't get any bad calls last night. Little did I know, that call was being processed.
7am, July 2nd, 2008 me and my sister set off for another day at school which for us was an exciting day. We were meeting a big cosmetologist who worked in the "famous" world then taking a trip to Sally's Beauty Store. The drive to school was like any other...long and tiring. We drove one hour to school and one hour from school everyday. We get to school, get settled in, meet with the cosmetologist and get ready to leave for our "field trip" then my phone starts vibrating. It was my cousin who I didn't talk to regularly but I just figured if it was important she'd leave a message or that she just had the wrong number. Then my sister turns to me and says, shes calling me too. So that raised my curiosity a bit. She then called me back, so I stepped out of the classroom and answered. Our conversation played out a little like this...
Me "Hello"
Her (crying) "Tabby I'm so sorry"
Me "Sorry about what? What's going on?"
Her "You don't know?"
Me "No...what's going on?"
Her "Wait a second let me call you back"
Click.
So I figured well if she knew, then her mom (my aunt) had to know. So I called my aunt. She answers, also crying.
Me "What's going on? She just called me and said she was sorry." (Note: I'm leaving all names disclosed)
Her "Let me call you back, let me call you back.."
Me "Just tell me whats going on."
Her "It's Jay...let me call you back!"
Click.
At the sound of "Jay" I knew something was wrong with my baby...wasn't sure what yet but I knew I needed to get home. So me and my sister load up and head off. I called Chance on the way.
Me "Whats going on? Everyone's calling me saying sorry. Is Jayden okay?"
Him "Who called you?"
Me "Her, whats it matter though? Just tell me whats going on?"
Him "Are you driving?"
Me "Yes I'm coming home. If nobody will tell me whats going on then I'm gunna find out myself!"
Him "Pull over, were on our way to get you."
Then silence...
Me "Why....."
Him "Its crib death."
Me "Whats that? Who, Jayden? Is he okay? Is he still alive?"
Him "No honey, he passed. Just pull over. Were on our way. You don't need to be driving that's why no one was suppose to contact you."
Pulling over to the nearest exit, I lost it. I got out of my car and fell to the ground screaming. After what seemed like days, Chance finally showed up. I was still in disbelief and shock. Were they sure it was our Jayden? Did they even try to save him? How? Why? The whole car ride was silent. We arrived at the hospital and walking through those sliding glass doors, everyone glared at me. Going through the ER doors, hearing "is that her?"...I just couldn't go no further. No, this isn't right. I shouldn't be here. Just let me go home and my baby will be there healthy and happy. I was then told I had to go, I had to confirm it was him, but that's what I didn't want to do. Walking in the room, the stench hit me...and there he lay, so peacefully, you would've thought he was sleeping. His body was cold and I can remember asking the coroner why? What happened? Couldn't you save him? Nobody could answer my questions. I laid there with him lifelessly, wishing it was me instead, hoping they were wrong, hoping he'd wake up, but what had happen was done and there was nothing I could do but deal with it. We left the hospital and went to Linda's to check on her.
I asked her...Linda you're the only one who can tell me what happened. Please tell me.
"We slept out in the breeze way in our recliner, I had his bottle ready for him when he would wake for his nightly feeding. We fell asleep, him cradled in my arms, 6am rolled around and Chris wanted to be up to go to the post office. I sat Jayden down, not thinking to look at him, he was still warm and I just figured he'd slept through the night finally. I got Chris up and came back to find his lips blue. I immediately started CPR and called for Chris to call 911. They got here, whisked him away and worked on him for 30 minutes. We just couldn't save him. I called daddy because I couldn't tell you guys, so I sent him over to tell Chance around 7."
Then I wondered why I wasn't alerted next. Why wasn't I called before I got 50 miles away from home? When Chance was alerted he said he wasn't functional enough to call me, and by the time that he did come to I was already at school and it was best someone come get me then me drive home and possibly wreck and kill myself or someone else.
My life was and has been forever changed by this precious baby boy. He showed me the meaning of love, happiness...family. I'm so grateful to have been chosen to be his mother if only for 3 1/2 months. Those are 3 1/2 months that I have some of my fondest memories and some of the best days of my life! To this day, its not easy and NEVER will I get over him passing nor will any other child I have replace him. He holds a near and dear special place in my heart. We just learned to cope with it. That's all you can do. You cant let it over take your life because you're not only hurting yourself, but those around you that care for you.
I love sharing his story because for one, I want people to know he once lived and for two I want people to be aware...aware of all that can happened. I had no clue what crib death/SIDS was, of course I don't think it was anything we done that caused this, but Ive taken better precaution on how to "prevent" it with my other children.
So on this day, we will go to the park and watch fireworks and think of our baby boys eyes lighting up like they did that last time we seen him, we'll be thankful for having been his parents, and hold our daughter closer than ever, knowing that all in all...we've truly been blessed!
I LOVE IT!!! you are one of the most amazing women I have met... I love you!
ReplyDelete